It’s funny how life seems from the outside looking in. When you look at a person you always try to see the positives. When you look at your own life often you see the negatives before you see anything positive. I often wonder what people would think if they could see my thoughts. I don’t really think people would understand a lot of what I think which is why I’ve learned to try not to worry what other people think. Having the confidence to dress differently, voice your opinion or just generally be an individual is something that definitely doesn’t come naturally to me. A lot of people looking from the outside would just think that I have no worries. I just do what I want and it’s easy. There is definitely a lot more to the situation than just that.
When I was at school I was definitely not one of the ‘Cool Kids’. Actually I was the complete opposite. Growing up I was pretty big at the time I didn’t really see it but you know how kids are anyone who is even slightly different is made to feel like a complete alien. After 4 years of solid bullying for being “fat” I decided it was time to turn my life around. When I look back at my life now I never really fitted in. I think back to my earliest days of school and I definitely didn’t feel I had a place. As a kid I had no worries I just enjoyed playing with my matchbox cars and didn’t really take much notice of it. As I got older I began realising I was different, having people telling me I was different every day didn’t really help the situation.
Most of my experience with bullying was name calling but there were a couple of situations that got physical one where a kid in the year above me tried to light me on fire… I think back now and realise how messed up this actually was. Not to mention how poorly the school handled what I was dealing with. I don’t regret this for a minute though. Of course if I had the choice I would hope for an easier time growing up. But now I have the ability to relate to people who are different. I know what it is like to feel like an outsider when all you want to do is feel like part of the team. That is what cuts me the most when I see people being bullied on social media or even in every day life.
The feeling of complete normality is something I yearn for. Then I realise I don’t actually know what normality is. I have never been normal nor have I ever known what normal feels like. Does anyone truly know what normality is. I’ve come the the understanding that normality is just an idea that we all have. For each and every person normality is something we want but we don’t truly understand what it is. Normality is what we see in magazines, what we hear on the radio, what we see on tv. It is what our friends talk about. What our family expect of us. It is an ideal that we create in our minds the reality is it probably doesn’t actually exist.
Happiness is the one thing that is my ideal. All I want in life is to be happy. I know that happiness does exist I have experienced the feeling of happiness the thing I stuggle with most is the fact that I wake up in the morning and sometimes the happiness isn’t there. I try and find happiness throughout the day but no matter what I try it just doesn’t happen for me. This isn’t a bad thing it just means that when the happiness returns I will appreciate it all the more. I want you to remember that what ever your ideal is that it can’t be there every day.
As a result of what people have said to me over the years I don’t always feel comfortable with my body. This is something I deal with on a daily basis. Again it is something that comes and goes. Somedays I don’t even think about it other days I still feel like the fat kid from year 11 dreading having to do NCEA level 1. It used to get me down that I wasn’t a cool kid that I never was going to be one of the cool kids. Now I don’t even know what cool is. What is cool today may not even be cool tomorrow so why focus on trying to be cool why not focus on finding who I am at least that way I get to enjoy me. I used to think that I’ve wasted a whole bunch of time trying to find myself but those experimental days of finding the inner you are some of the best days. We try things, we learn things we make mistakes and we do it all again. There is nothing wrong with that. No one is perfect you can’t just expect to find your passion point without testing the waters first!
I don’t like people to know about my insecurities. I don’t want people to see me and think oh he’s afraid of himself that seems a little crazy… I want people to see me and think that’s awesome he doesn’t really care what people think. I’ve always said I don’t care what people think but it’s only recently that I’ve stopped actually caring. It’s funny as you go through life you begin to realise what is actually important. Some of the things that effected you the most while at high school seem so irrelevant now. You find peace in some of the craziest situations. Sometimes you just have to speak your mind and not worry about what people might think of you. Living a life of love means loving yourself as much as someone else. You can’t live a life trying to make other people happy because eventually it will eat you from the inside out.
Not everyone needs to be a loud extraverted person but that doesn’t mean you have to hide your talents. It doesn’t mean you can’t be proud of your successes. It doesn’t mean you will be comfortable in every aspect of your life but it does mean that you can build your confidence enough to tackle what ever challenge you face. Don’t live you life worrying about other people’s expectations. What ever makes you happy should make other people happy. If someone can’t join you in celebrating your success maybe you should reevaluate why you’re spending time with them in the first place.
Not everything in life will come easy. This life is about living, learning loving and most importantly exploring. Go find yourself an adventure. Go and find yourself. Remember not every day will be a good day but the good days really are good days. Be proud of who you are and what you do. This week I challenge you to find comfort in even the most awkward of situations.