Ahead Of Myself.

Step one click play…

Step two read this…

Do you ever have the sudden feeling of confusion. It’s the weirdest sensation like everything is going fine and then you just start doubting yourself. You start wondering if you’re doing the right thing. Questioning if you’re wasting your time? I hate the feeling of being judged. Doesn’t matter what the situation is I just hate the feeling. I don’t like people looking at me and I do worry that people don’t like me. The more I try and tell myself not to care the more I do care and the most it makes me feel anxious. I know what you’re thinking this is stupid you’re one of the most confident people ever. Well yes but no. I am confident on social media. I am confident in sharing my thoughts and feelings with you on this blog. But face to face I feel so exposed. I know all of my flaws and sometimes they overcome me. It’s part of my job to hide my insecurities and I guess I’ve become good at doing that but it isn’t always easy. The thing I struggle with most is meeting someone I truly care about. This is something I am still coming to terms with…

I am guilty of falling hard and fast which makes this process even harder. I meet someone and quickly begin thinking the world of them. They are present in my thoughts almost every moment of the day. Is that needy? Yes probably is it annoying. To me no. If I care about someone I want the best for them no matter what. Ideally I would think I was the best but the more I fall for someone the more time I’ve got to begin worrying that maybe I’m not the best for them… Maybe they’re not the best for me? All those little comments that just pop out in conversation I sit an analyse days, weeks even months after they were said. Trust for me is everything. Trust is something I really struggle with. I struggle because I’ve been quick to trust people in the past and it hasn’t worked out well. I am scared to trust someone because I don’t want them to take advantage of the trust I give them. I don’t want to be left standing like a fool in an empty room.

Tonight I was listening to Jamie Lawson ‘Ahead Of Myself’ and I finally understood that feeling for the first time in my life. When I have feelings for someone the feelings are real. I am a deeply emotional heavily spiritual person and when I begin falling for someone I fall hard and fast. To begin with I’m not afraid of letting  go. I am willing to give my everything and am 100% sure in what I am doing. That’s when the demons of yesterday come in and remind me not to get ahead of myself. It makes me question everything. You don’t want to come across to strong. You don’t want to be too needy. You don’t want to get ahead of yourself. Are these feelings just in my head? Do you feel the same way? Do you care as much as I do? Do you care at all? Is this normal? Am I normal? What am I supposed to think? There are so many questions. Don’t be afraid of these questions. You’re entitled to them. Relationships are one of the hardest things we experience as humans. When the right one comes along it can be the most rewarding. Unfortunately sometimes we have to experience some bad ones so we know what a good one is when it comes along.

In relationships there are two people. There are two hearts. There are two personalities. There are two sides to every story. Two sides to every emotion. When you dig a little deeper is that other person feeling the same emotion that you’re feeling. Sometimes you just don’t know. Communication is key to making this work. While you’ve got a million thoughts and feelings going on it’s completely normal to feel this way. There is no right or wrong way to do things. There is no norm. Life is all about finding your way. It’s about having fun it’s about letting go. Life is about falling, breaking, hurting and getting back up so you can do it all again. You never know until you try. If it feels right chances are it is right. If it doesn’t feel right maybe you need to re-evaluate the situation. What ever happens keep your friends close and your family closer. They’re the ones who will be around when the pieces are falling apart.

Thank you Jamie Lawson for the music you make and for helping me understand something that has confused me for so long.

2 thoughts on “Ahead Of Myself.

  1. Oh Cam. You are such an ENFP and I think this is something a lot of ENFPs (and INFPs) struggle with. We idealise people, we get overexcited before the other person is ready and sometimes scare them off. They give us a little and our mind creates a lot. A lot of people are the opposite and think of all the way things can go wrong when they first meet someone; everyone has different demons and are trying to keep them at bay.

    You’re a beautiful, intelligent and thoughtful person and honestly anybody would be very fortunate to be in a relationship with you. I think you just need to be yourself, be authentically you and you’ll be fine x

    1. Your words mean so much to me! Thank you so much for taking the time to share your thoughts and feelings 🙂 it’s sometime people should do more often! You’re such a positive influence and I hope you know how precious your words are to me! You literally just spoke the words that are going around in my head. I hope you are having an amazing day! xx

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