This is the 19th time I have tried to start this blog. I wanted to write about trust because it has always been something I have struggled with. It is something I think about quite often. Trust will quite possibly be the beginning of my insanity. I don’t even know why it is something I think about so much.
We all go through life we have experiences that make us who we are. Of course there are good experiences, bad experiences, mistakes and things we learn from. These are just a few of the experiences we have in life, has humans. The one experience that no one can ever prepare for is having your trust betrayed. If your trust has ever been betrayed you will understand how much it sucks. Whether it’s a friend, a relationship or even a family member that has betrayed your trust it is one of the worst feelings. It makes you question everything which is why I struggle with trusting people so much.
My trust issues lead to a serious amount of anxiety and most of the time it’s all just in my head. I like to do what is best by the people around me. I want to be the best friend, the best son, the best brother, the best lover and the best employee I can be but that all comes with pressure. The more I think about it, the more I get anxious about it. I don’t like letting people down and worse than all I don’t like hurting anyone.
I’ve had some interesting experiences with trust in the past. The two things I struggle with most is finding out someone isn’t who I think they are, or losing people for no particular reason. You know when you’re getting to know someone and you think things are going well and then all of a sudden they just don’t text you back, they don’t return your calls it’s almost like they’ve fallen off the plant and you’re just left there with a million questions. Wondering what it is you did wrong. Yup that’s quite a lot of my friendships and relationships in a nutshell right there and to this day I still have no idea what I did. I sometimes wonder then I come to the conclusion that maybe I will just never know. It’s not something that sits well with me. I like to put my wrongs right, or at least apologise for my wrong doing.
While people come and people go there are always those people that you wished had stayed. Which is where I get anxious about future friendships and relationships. This is the beginning of a very confusing train of thought. Relationships that end with no real reason leave you feeling used abused and spat out. This is a feeling I definitely can relate to and I would prefer never to experience it again. Friendships that end with no real reason while they hurt in a different way to relationships they’re still not easy to deal with. I think it’s the feeling of confusion that is the worst. It’s like you’re being punished but you’re not really sure why.
I’m going to be real honest here. I don’t want you to feel sorry for me or anything like that but I am sure there is someone else out there who is feeling a similar thing and I want you to know you’re not alone. Dealing with emotions by yourself and feeling alone isn’t ok!
I struggle to make new friends. While a lot of people see me as this happy confident person and yes for the most part I am but there is a massive part of me that is so insecure I don’t want to be judged, I don’t like conflict and sometimes I just wish I could be invisible. My insecurities make me second guess why anyone would want to be friends with me, I wonder if there is some kind of ulterior motive or if it is a genuine friendship. This is something I try and just get over or not think about but it definitely is subconsciously in the back of my mind all the time.
I wear my heart on my sleeve I fall hard and fast for people which is partially why I’ve been hurt so many times. I have learned from my mistakes and while I try and take things slow I still find my feelings taking over quickly. When I’m in a new relationship I am so paranoid I’m going to mess things up. I am so anxious that I am going to make an unforgivable mistake. The thing that scares me most is knowing that nothing is forever. I would love to find my life partner more than anything but this isn’t something you can force. It requires a lot of things including another person and they’ve got to be on the same page. On that page there are a lot of details ambition, career, goals, dreams, physical and emotional connection it’s endless really.
The thing that sucks the most about trust is the anxiety that comes with it. It’s always “the unknown” it’s the endless hours of wondering, thinking and wishing. It’s the fact that it is something you can’t control. Friendships and relationships are a 50/50 thing you’re only ever going to be half of it. Do your best, be the best you can be. You might not be looking your life partner in the eye but remember you can learn from every experience you have. These are valuable lessons for the future. Valuable lessons for right now. While you never know what the future holds enjoy the now. If you’re so worried about the future you’ll lose your spark in life. Try not to get caught up thinking too far into the unknow it will only drive you insane. Take today for it’s face value and try to make the most of it. Today might not work out how you intended it but deal with that tomorrow. Enjoy yourself, enjoy your friends and most importantly just be yourself.
Remember there is no wrong or right answer, there is no definite and no forever. There is however an opportunity to make the most of right now.