Who Have I Become?

I haven’t really been feeling myself lately and it’s got me thinking about a few things. I have been in a relationship that recently ended and at the moment I feel a sense of being lost. Obviously I know who I am but it’s the little things that change. It’s that text at the end of the day asking how you are. It’s looking forward to seeing that special person at the end of the week. When things don’t work out in a relationship you definitely feel rejected, it’s totally normal to feel sad and wonder if there is something more that you could have done. The thing you need to remember is that you did your best and that what has happened happened for a reason so you should try not to over think it. This break up has been so different to any break up that I have ever experienced before I guess this one has been a lot more real which is why it is effecting me so much more than any other relationship I have been in. I am not discounting any other relationship I’ve been in because they are all special all of them have made me who I am today. I have learned things from every one of them. But there really is something different about this one. It’s probably that part of me hopes somehow a miracle will happen and we will work things out. Part of it is that I have no regrets. That is important. If you be the best that you can be you’ve got nothing to be sorry for enter a relationship with that intention and mindset and it’s only going to be a positive experience.

One of the things I am struggling with most is wondering what to feel. I am not ready to move on and I won’t be for a very long time but it’s the little things that remind me of what we had that get to me. It’s the song that plays on the radio, driving past the cafe where we used to have breakfast, it’s walking past the hairdresser where they get their hair cut I know all of these things seem insignificant but they are memories. Memories that I will cherish for the rest of my life. they might be simple insignificant things to some people but to me that is the only lasting connection I have.

While break ups are an extremely emotional time I feel like it’s a new opportunity. This incredible person has taught me so much I almost feel like a new person. I never expected to feel the way I do about another person.  I never expected to share these memories with each other and to create such a strong bond. It is something I used to dream about, it’s something I still dream about. But unfortunately this time it didn’t work out. Who knows what will happen in the future but right now I just need to live in the moment and re-discover myself. It’s a journey that is going to take a long time. One of the hardest things about this is feeling pain but having nothing to show for it. Some days you feel like you’re broken on the inside but no one really gets it because its internal thoughts and feelings that are making you feel this way. It’s at a time like this you need to turn all the negativity into something positive. What you do is totally up to you, personally I find blogging really helps. I’m not really sure if anyone really reads it and that’s ok because it’s a way for me to express myself and I think I need that outlet. Part of me doesn’t want to post this on a public forum because it is such a personal thing but I feel like we can all learn from each other and if this helps you through a situation you’re going through then I am achieving what I set out to do.

Recently I have been  spending a bit more time by myself and I am getting more and more comfortable with my own company. I used to enjoy having people around all of the time but I came to realise I have a lot going on in my own mind and I need that time to process my thoughts and feelings. I think it’s healthy to have time to yourself to mull things over and do things for yourself. It’s definitely not selfish. The other thing to remember is other people cant tell you what to do or what to think. For so long I have looked to other people for advice about what I should do and when I should do things. I get really anxious about making decisions which sucks because I literally second guess everything that I do. Spending time by myself I have become a lot more independent and am forced to make my own decisions which has been really good for me.

I used to allow myself to be influenced by my friends a lot. Before making any decision I would ask them what they thought I should do. I would ask their opinions of a topic before saying anything to make sure we thought the same thing.  I am only now becoming more comfortable and am able to stick to my opinion. Even if someone doesn’t agree with me that’s ok they’ve got their reasons for thinking one thing and I’ve got reasons for thinking what I think.  It’s not about starting arguments or disagreeing for the sake of it it’s about trusting your gut and realising that it’s not a bad thing to have a different opinion. Every person on this planet is completely different and you’re never going to see eye to eye with everyone.

You never have to apologise for being you and I mean this on so many levels whether it be something more serious like sexuality or something more materialistic like clothing you are your own person and you don’t need to let other people’s views influence you, what you think and what you do. It is your life only you can find the right way to live it.

I’m not sure if this ramble even makes sense or if it will help at all but if you’ve lost your sparkle think back to a time when you were most happy. What were you doing? Who were you with? Why was it that thing that made you so happy? Is this something you can re-create? Is it something you can do again is there something similar you can do so that you feel happy again? Your happiness can literally be anything it can even be nothing. If lying in the sun makes you happy then that’s cool enjoy those moments when the sun is shining and bask in it’s warmth. Try and find that happy place and focus on it. Good things happen when you’re happy and good things happen for those who are patient. It’s not going to happen over night but hang in there. You will find your sparkle again.

Until next time. Stay safe, have fun and be kind to everyone! x


5 thoughts on “Who Have I Become?

  1. Such a raw and honest post Cam, I’m reading you and I hear you. And I can relate on so many levels it’s not funny! I’ve also recently lost a relationship that meant a lot to me, after one year. And I also feel kind of lost so I understand so many of your feelings and thoughts. Good for you seeking your own company, sometimes that’s just where we’re meant to be, to heal and move forward. Sending you a big hug of comfort and friendship.

    1. Hey Miriam! Thanks so much for your message! You definitely brighten my day! It’s nice to know I’m not the only one thinking and feeling these things while I wish no one else felt this way it is comforting to know I’m not alone. I hope you’re doing well! Xx

      1. Yeah, I’m doing okay. Even better when I can relate to someone going through similar stuff. Just about to enjoy a cup of coffee! You take care. 🙂

    1. Haha sorry for being a Debbie downer Graeme! I wasn’t really sure what to make the title but it doesn’t really reflect the article. Maybe I will change it! 🙂

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