The last 6 months have been a bit of a rollercoaster I am not going to lie. If you can imagine any emotion I have experienced it at one point or another. Anger, hurt, confusion, happiness, sadness, excitement, disappointment but most importantly I have felt love. Love is all that matters when there is love none of that other stuff actually matters. It has taken me until about 1 hour and 35 minutes ago to realise no one can take love away. I am the kind of person that gives love freely. I am a loving person and enjoy showing people that they are cared for and loved. When you love someone no one can ever take that away from you. It is an extremely personal beautiful thing. I don’t believe you can explain true love. It’s almost like a mixture of chemicals that override your body making you do crazy things. I believe that when you fall in love with someone you will love them forever. They might hurt you beyond repair but you will always love that person. You will have memories of their love. The extent that you love them might change but for every person you love you take on a little piece of their heart away with you.
Life has so many distractions right when you think you’re getting back on your feet that person comes back and nocks you to your feet again. You feel like you’re finally making progress and the matt is swept out from under you. There is no feeling worse than feeling like you’re not making progress. The past six months I have been chasing my own tail and that is what has been frustrating me so much. Last year I met someone who I had no idea would become such a massive part of my life. When I was younger I asked my mum how do you know you want to marry someone? Her response was “I can’t tell you it’s a feeling and when you feel it you will just know” I thought I had met this person. I thought I would spend the rest of my life loving them. They became my best friend and I enjoyed the time we shared more than anything. To this day I am not really sure what happened. I was left with so many questions, I wanted to blame them, I wanted to blame myself. I wondered if there was something I could have done. My way with of coping with the pain was telling myself that we would end up getting back together. I was hoping we would. The love was still there. I was still thinking about that person every waking moment. I still think about them every waking moment and I don’t think that is going to change any time soon but tonight I came to a revelation.
Every other relationship I have been in I have just cut the person from my life, moved on. Basically I was pretending they didn’t exist. This relationship was so different to any other relationship that I have been in. Looking back I realised this is my first real experience with love. I realised that and I don’t want to loose this person. I want to be a part of their life and I want them to be a part of mine. I think that is what has been confusing me so much. While I had been hoping that we would get back together I have lost sight of what is truly important. Tonight for the first time I realised we probably aren’t ever getting back together and for the first time I am ok with that. There is a reason this didn’t work out and there is a better situation waiting for me… I just need to find what that is. I might not today, tomorrow or in the next 10 years but for some reason, what ever reason this hasn’t worked out and I am ok with that. I have some pretty incredible memories to take away. I still care about this person more than you can possibly imagine but for what ever reason they decided I am not right for them and that’s cool. They know themselves better than I know them so I just have to roll with it. Tonight I realised I have my own dreams, goals and ambitions. There is stuff they want to do with their life and I have stuff that I want to achieve in mine. I am over being sad, I am over wishing I could have back the love that I lost. Yes I miss the nights of falling asleep in each others arms, yes I miss the dinners and getting lost in their eyes, I miss the thought of exploring the world together. I miss them being the first and last text message I received each day but most of all I miss my best friend. I know nothing lasts forever but I was hoping this would be my happily ever after. Fairy tales don’t exist in the real world and unfortunately dreams come to an end and that is no reason to be sad.
This whole time I have felt like something is missing I have wanted to move on but haven’t wanted to hurt this person that I care so much about. I guess to some extent my life has been on hold. I have been waiting for them hoping they would take me back but now it is time for me to go and make my dreams happen. One day I will love someone else but right now I just need to focus on me and finding the enjoyment of life again. I guess this is a long winded way of me telling you to look after your own happiness. You need to put yourself first. There is only so much you can do to help another person. There is only so much you can do to makes someone else happy. If they don’t want your love and support there really is nothing you can do. Yes it sucks, yes you will crumble, yes you will cry yes these will be some of the hardest days of your existence but things will get better. One day you will learn to smile again. Your smile will be genuine. It won’t be fake. It will be a smile from the heart.
I am telling you right now for free that anyone and everyone is going to try and give you advise. Listen, take it on board and let go of it. Unfortunately this is one of those solo experiences you have to do on your own. No one really knows how you are feeling. No one really understands your connection with another person which is why it is an extremely lonely experience. It sucks because you don’t really know what to do so you try and talk to your friends about it but their advise won’t always help. The “You just need to move on” line will be one that becomes familiar. The “it just takes times” is another you will hear a lot. One of the hardest things you will deal with is your friends not liking that person anymore. Yes they have hurt you and yes it hurts but at the end of the day that love is real and you have feelings for them. As I said before no one really knows how you’re feeling. Every human has different connections with different people and just because your friends think someone isn’t right for you sometimes it takes a while for you to work that out for yourself. No one can force their opinion on you. These things you have to learn for yourself. If you think back to living at home or if you still live at home one of the most annoying things is your parents telling you what to do. Sometimes you do the opposite just to see what happens. that is called pushing the boundaries and sometimes you have to do that in moments of heartbreak. Sometimes you have to find things out for yourself. There really is no right or wrong answer. Try it and see how it feels. Be flirty, go on dates if it feels right maybe you’re ready to move on if it feels wrong take some more time to yourself and learn to love yourself before you look to share that love with someone else. Look to your friends to have fun. Go on adventures, go exploring. Take the time to deal with your thoughts feelings and emotions. Always know your worth. You deserve someone who is going to treat you right. You deserve someone who will love you unconditionally. You deserve to rest your head on the pillow at night and know that you are loved and that this person sees you in their future.
Every person comes into your life for a reason, learn as much as you possibly can in the time that you’ve got. Who knows how long you have but make every minute count and have no regrets. The memories you create shape who you are. Remember those memories fondly. The media make it seem as though you should hate your ex I couldn’t disagree with this more. There is no need for you to hate someone who used to mean so much to you. You can put the ball in someone else’s court but eventually you need to grab that ball and finish the game yourself. Never say never but eventually you need to be true to yourself and let go so eventually you can move on. Try to let go of all the things holding you back. That “what ifs” aren’t going to help and to be honest they’re probably not going to happen. If someone is going to change their mind they will change it on their own you can’t change it for them. It’s time to get on with your life. Set goals and achieve them. Go on dates, meet new people and experience everything you possibly can. We’re here for a good time not a long time so don’t let someone else stop you from getting the most out of your life.
“It’s not always about letting go, it’s about moving to a better place.”