Million Reasons

I’m a bit of a weirdo in the sense that I like to have order in my life. I like to have structure and some form of routine. Which for those if you who know me will be very confusing. You will be confused because I seem like some mental case that just does weird stuff all the time. Sometimes I wish I cared less, sometime I wish I could just stop thinking but over the weekend I did a lot of thinking and it made me realise a few things. Firstly that wishing you are different is a waste of time. Wishing you could change what you care about isn’t going to change the way that you feel. Life is about living. We have to make the most of every day. If you’re feeling down about something I want you to think about that thing and then think about the world 5 years from now. Will you still be thinking about it? Maybe you will but the fact of the matter is in 5 years from now chances are it won’t be as much of an “issue” as it is now. Life is a journey we have to live it to experience it and in all honesty it’s the people that we surround ourselves with that make the journey worthwhile.

I think everyone has one thing that makes them feel uneasy for me that thing is never finding a life partner. It’s always been something  I have wanted. It is something that stresses me out to no end. I am worried that I will die lonely if I don’t have a partner. The fact of the matter is you don’t need a partner to get through life. It’s your friends and family who are there for you when relationships don’t work out. Maybe I’ve just never found the right person but in relationships I don’t feel like I can be myself completely. I will be the first person to admit that I am a bit crazy. The truth is you shouldn’t ever have to tone yourself down or change the way you are to make a relationship work. Sometimes it’s the simple things for example sometimes I like to wear nail polish. It doesn’t mean I am transitioning it doesn’t mean anything about me as a person. For me it is a way to express myself. To be honest it makes me happy. That might sound weird and kinda dumb but to put it bluntly I just like it.

I sent some time with a friend in the weekend and I feel my entire attitude towards life has changed. This person is someone that I look up to. You know those people that you’ve always wanted to be friends with but you never actually thought you would become friends. The thing that I find so interesting in life is that every soul is so unique. Our experiences in life make us who we are. Each heartbreak, each decision, each interaction, each overseas trip everything that we touch, see, hear, smell and feel makes us who we are as people. This friend has seen a lot and had an array of experiences. Some good, some bad and obviously a few between. The thing that amazes me is perception. I perceive this person in a particular way and they perceive me in their own way. The thing I find so amazing is that my perception of them is so different to their perception of themselves. Just like their perception of me is so different to the way I perceive myself. What I am trying to say is it’s always different looking from the outside in. In life people have an option. They can choose to support you and accept you for you or they can walk away. With every decision in life comes an element of risk. The risk of what is going to happen in the future. The risk that your friendship is replaced. The risk that a new lover comes along. There is a chance that this person might hit the big time. Their life might come spiralling down. The fact of the matter is you have no control. Just because you care about someone it doesn’t mean you can give them good luck. Just because you want the best for someone it doesn’t always mean that the best is going to happen. This is life. We’re all dealt a hand of cards. We just have to play the cards the best that we can. Some things will work out and some won’t but know the world will keep spinning.

Today for the first time in a long time I let go of the negative energy that has been surrounding me. I let go of all of the things that I can’t control. I decided that it’s time to focus on the future. The past is the past and I really can’t change what has happened. I can’t change someone’s decision. I can’t change who I am and more importantly  I shouldn’t ever apologise for who I am. I shouldn’t apologise for the fact that I get sad about relationships that haven’t worked out. I don’t need to feel sad about the friends who have grown distant. For the first time in my life I don’t have to live up to anyone else. I’ve always wanted people to like me but now I realise there are 4 people I actually care what they think of me. Those 4 people are my mum, my dad, my brother and my sister. What I have come to realise is that family are family and they will support me no matter what. I love my family for that. They’ve always stood by me, encouraged me and enabled me to do all of the things that I have achieved so far. I know there’s plenty more that I will achieve but for now they are proud of me and that means the world to me. I have done things in my life that my family wouldn’t be proud of but the thing is no one is perfect. No one does life 100% right as long as you try your hardest and do your best they can’t really expect anything more than that. The best thing for me is now knowing I don’t have to find my happiness in another person. I can be me. I can be who I want to be without feeling like I owe anyone anything. It is so important to be completely comfortable in your own skin.

I think a massive part of the anxiety that I feel is living up to people’s expectations. I feel like I need to be happy all the time, when my friends are having problems I want to solve those problems for them. For a long time I have been investing a lot of my happiness in other people. The truth is you must first find happiness in yourself before you can invest happiness in someone else. I really genuinely feel happy when I know I am making other people happy which is dangerous. In relationships I lose myself. I am so invested in trying to do what is right and making the other person happy that sometimes I loose sight of what makes me happy. Every relationship I have ever been in has ended for one reason or another. 2 relationships have ended with people telling me that I am too immature for them. To be honest I got really gutted about that. I am crazy, I like to have fun, I am silly but I also have a massive heart. When I fall in love with someone I don’t mean it lightly. I quite literally would do anything for that person. To be told that you’re “too immature” is such a slap in the face. Maturity isn’t something you can learn. It’s not something that you can study it’s just something that comes with life and there’s no way to measure it. Maturity is merely a perception if you perceive me in that way that’s totally fine just know I’m not going to take those words on board. Your negativity only represents yourself and the life that you are living. Context is everything and when you don’t understand the context you can’t possibly judge.

The thing I find weird about life is that no one really knows you. Yeah I’ve got friends who are closer than others but no one knows EVERYTHING there are some things I’ve done that I don’t remember myself so how is someone else supposed to remember all of these things. I have a unique connection with every person I meet. There are some people I get along with because I have to, some people I am genuinely interested in and some that I struggle to find a common ground with so we head in our separate directions. People can judge you if they want but no one truly knows your story. Your exterior is very different to what lies behind your eyes. Don’t ever dwell on the insults of yesterday. Don’t dwell on the words of spite. Don’t let other peoples insecurities stop you from achieving greatness. You are your mind, body and soul. The being you are is capable of things you don’t yet understand. The broken heart will heal, the confusion will resolve. It will all work out. Life and everything inside of it is temporary.

While I was driving home from work today  Lady Gaga ‘Million Reasons’ came on the radio and it made sense of everything that has happened in the past few months. It’s weird because I have heard this song before plenty of times. But for some reason today it hit me. There’s been one thing on my mind for the past few months and it’s been casting a shadow on my life. I have never loved someone to the extent that I loved this person. I say loved because it is in the past. Yes I still love them I probably always will but the only way to move forward is to realise that the moment has passed and now I need to walk away. I was stuck in a cycle of hope I was hopeful we would work things out. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with this person. I’ve never EVER felt that way before so for me that was a big deal. Some people say things in a moment that sit with you for the rest of your life. There are so many words said that I continue to think about on a daily basis. If you like me are someone who thinks, over thinks and continues thinking some more before thinking some more on top of that thinking you will understand just how mentally and emotionally draining it is thinking about the words of someone else.

For the moment I have decided to take some time out for myself. I need some time to find who I am again. I think we’ve all got expectations. We have expectations of ourselves, of the people around us and who we want to be. Personally I have always wanted to find a life partner that one person that I love more than anyone else on the face of the earth. One person who has your back no matter what. I’ve been trying to find this person for so long. I thought that’s what I wanted. I thought that when I found that my life would be happy. In hindsight I’ve come to realise that having a partner isn’t everything. The most important thing in life is to be comfortable on your own. Just like everyone else on the face of the earth I have insecurities. My way of dealing with those insecurities was looking for a partner. Rather than dealing with the issue I was just thinking about someone else. That in itself isn’t healthy. You might be busy and focusing on something else but the issue will still be there. Eventually that relationship is going to come to an end and you will only feel worse because all of your worth is invested in another person.

When a relationship doesn’t work out I quite often feel like a failure. I wonder what it is I did wrong or wonder if I could have done more to make things work. In these situations we must remember sometimes it doesn’t matter how hard you try. It doesn’t matter how many tears you cry, how many I love yous you say. It doesn’t matter if you’re prepared to take a bullet for someone if their heart isn’t in it then it’s not going to work. It’s taken me a long time to work this out but Lady Gaga has made sense of everything for me. For months I had been going back. For months I was hoping. So many promises, so many let downs. With each one my hope slowly faded. All of these months, all of these attempts which ended up going nowhere. Tonight it finally all makes sense. There is a line in ‘ Million Reasons’ that really stuck out to me tonight. “I’ve got a hundred million reasons to walk away. But baby, I just need one good one to stay.” That’s when I realised I had no reason to stay. Or maybe it was them but let’s not get caught up in the minor detail. Maybe it was timing, maybe it wasn’t ever supposed to be. But with every relationship we learn. We learn how to treat people, we learn about the meaning of  life. We learn to give, we learn to think less of ourselves and think more about the people we care about. Yeah the past 9 months have been shitty. Yeah there are nights that I have cried myself to sleep. There are days now when I still cry and that’s ok. It’s ok because I know that this lowness that I am feeling won’t last forever. For the past few months I’ve been thinking that I won’t ever meet someone else. Maybe I won’t but maybe I will. Who really knows what is going to happen. All I know is that life right now is great. It isn’t what I imagined my life would be. It probably isn’t the life that my parents would want for me either but it is a life that I enjoy. It is a life that only I have lived. The next time someone judges something you do, I want you to remember they don’t understand. The next time someone insults you, I want you to remember they don’t fully understand you. The next time your heart is broken, don’t think about what it could have been. Think about everything you learned. We move in our own ways at our own paces. If you feel ready to move on, do it. Your old partner might not be and that is up to them. You might want to take a bit more time and they will move on, wish them well. The most beautiful feeling in life is genuinely caring for someone and wishing them the best, even when they probably don’t want the best for you. Life is weird. Things work out when you least expect them to. You’ve just got to get back up and keep on riding. Do you. Enjoy life, be kind to everyone. The rest will take care of itself.

2 thoughts on “Million Reasons

  1. I totally agree when you say “a massive part of the anxiety that I feel is living up to people’s expectations”.
    It’s hard to realise we are alone with our expectations .But we need to know that only us are responsable for our happiness.

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